Thursday, July 16, 2009

When the world falls apart at mhy feet, I refuse to eat.

While ana is doing great and I've maintained my weight while on vacation, I think my entire life is about to fall apart at my feet. Just knowing this is a possibility is frightening because the only way to maintain control is to control my eating, and at the rate I've been going, more control for me would be stopping eating entirely. I'm terrified of what I'm capable of doing to myself and I feel it's slightly inevitable. I hate that I can't fix everything the way I can fix and control my weight. I don't know what to do or what to think. Tomorrow I'm starting a fast with no predetermined end, whenever I cannot continue any longer I'll break the fast. I hate myself for not being able to fix the world and arrange it perfectly. I hate muself for being weak and useless.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there.

    First of all, and please don't think I'm a hypocrite, let me say that I pretty much admire your self-discipline. I never had the self-discipline to follow on a diet. I just don't know how you can feel so bad about not being able to fix or control anything. No one can. In life, people usually roll up with the punches. The most successful people are the ones who failed the most.
    You can't fix everything. No one can. Thing is, no one needs to, either. The world isn't safe, it's changing and surprising. I guess it sounds as bad news now, but once you've fallen and gotten up a few times you just look back at the time you were afraid and ashamed of your mistakes and think "How come I was worried about that, I suffered about that?"

    I don't know if it'll serve you, but a good rule of thumb is, if no one will remember it in five years, there's no use getting upset over it now. It's something that eliminates 95% of my worries on a daily basis.