Thursday, July 16, 2009
When the world falls apart at mhy feet, I refuse to eat.
While ana is doing great and I've maintained my weight while on vacation, I think my entire life is about to fall apart at my feet. Just knowing this is a possibility is frightening because the only way to maintain control is to control my eating, and at the rate I've been going, more control for me would be stopping eating entirely. I'm terrified of what I'm capable of doing to myself and I feel it's slightly inevitable. I hate that I can't fix everything the way I can fix and control my weight. I don't know what to do or what to think. Tomorrow I'm starting a fast with no predetermined end, whenever I cannot continue any longer I'll break the fast. I hate myself for not being able to fix the world and arrange it perfectly. I hate muself for being weak and useless.