Thursday, February 4, 2010

Currently I'm loving Taylor Momsen. Not only because she's incredibly thin, but she has an awesome sense of style very like my own and I can see myself in her. She is a badass!!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

GW3 REACHED!!! very nice. I'm happy about it, i wish I actually looked thinner but that's not the case. Unfortunately. I have like 20 more lbs to lose... FUCK. Getting there though..
I realized, being home for thanksgiving break, that being home is a trigger for me. Being in this house with my disapproving mother with her disappointed gaze, the walls whispering all my faults and the mistakes from my whole life oozing up through the floorboards is hell on my mental state. Being here just reminds me how I never will or have been good enough at anything in my life. I'm only good at starving myself, it's the only thing I see my successes in.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I am thankful for...

.. my amazing SELF CONTROL!! Also, my family (they are amazing!!), my boyfriend who I love, my friends who try their best to keep me sane, and my brothers :D

I hate this holiday, tons of obese people celebrate family and friends by engorging their bodies with carbs, fat, and sugars. Nothing says "thanks for being in my life" better than feeding them artery clogging fat!! It's gross. Anyway, I knew this meal was coming and there would be no way around it with my family, so I did NOT eat dinner last night and didn't eat anything today until 5:30 when dinner was served. I took tiny portions of everything and did not get up for seconds. I only drank water and when it came to dessert I had a tiny tiny brownie bite. I would have skipped dessert all together but my mother made brownies special for me because the old, healthy me loved brownies. I couldn't tell her fuck no i cannot eat that brownie without wanting to light my insides on fire in 20 minutes, so I ate a little bit and put the rest in my napkin. Despite my valiant efforts to be a good little girl today, I purged while everyone was talking about stocks. No one even noticed I had left the table for 20 minutes... A testament to how invisible I am.
Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
"It celebrates the time when the Indian's shared their food with the early settlers. And how do we repay them? We slaughter them in thousands and then ship them off to the shittiest bits of real estate."--Lucy, Across the Universe

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Yesterday was a semi-success, semi-failure. I did eat but i walked enough during that day that my pedometer read 560 cals so I burned more than I ate definitely. All I had was an apple and a small salad with 3 cherry tomatoes and no dressing. I feel tired and drained and I've only been up for an hour. I wish I could sleep for a long time, which I may be able to do!! Thanksgiving break starts for uni today so I'm free till Sunday:D

Monday, November 23, 2009

blah diddy blah blah

It's been a while since I've been on...
I told my boyfriend about being sick and he was really very supportive but he was worried about me. And then I caught him like really upset about it one night while i spent literally an hour and a half eating two scrambled egg whites. He asked me to go to a doctor and try to get better because he loves me and doesn't really want to love someone who doesn't love herself. So i tried... kinda. I made 10 different appointments with therapists over the course of a month and canceled them all. Now I'm giving up being good, I want to be amazing and the only way to do that is to be thin thin thin. I haven't gained, I've lost some but at a very slow slow rate. I love him but I can't help who I am... I don't want to get better.
Anyway, I've been awake for a few hours and I've had my traditional breakfast of 2 cups black coffee, 1 cup tea, and 2 cups water. All the caffeine and water is good for my but it makes my stomach huge for a while. It's better in the end because it keeps me full for almost the whole day :D

I'll update more later<3

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Fasting today. I had a major binge last night and I'm still full. I can feel the food in my stomach and it's making me sick. I feel disgusting and tainted. Ugh, I never want to eat again.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

So fucking tired of being fat. I hate this body and I hate my weakness. I want to disappear into thin air.