fatty mcfatty pants?

I have fat arms and wrists.
Boo for being a whale.

grr

hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry

whatever it takes

Food Diary:
b-0
l-0
d-0

Exercise Log:
m-0
a-0
n-0

Wow, I'm a loser. I may not have eaten but I did not exercise either. I'm being lazy, I know. There are some hours left in tonight, maybe I'll nip downstairs and run for the rest of my life. haha. I wish. I'm tired, crabby, and feeling a little sick. I want to sleep for years and when I wake up, everything would be the same and that nothing happened while I was gone. Like sleeping Beauty- The whole world sleeps while I sleep and everything gets covered in sparkle dust to make everything surreal and pretty.

There's a reason for everything, especially mental illness

Ever feel like you need to write something down so it makes sense in your head? So it has a logical path and you can analyze what you write without getting confused or getting sidetracked? I need to do that right now to figure out why I'm anorexic.

It's not because I hate myself, I love myself and I think I am amazing in every aspect aside from my weight. I don't think I am ugly, or overweight. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't think I am not "worthy" of food, I just want to see the number smaller every morning.
I want something in my life I can control. I am incredibly dependent on my parents as they are quite wealthy and pay for my lifestyle (college, car, car insurance, apartment, food), and therefore I cannot make decisions about my life without running it by them. They are fearful of my carelessness and want to keep me close and safe. So many things I propose, like going to England for a semester or entering the peace corp. , is shot down and pushed under the neat and proper rug of classy society. I had to choose a career that would be worth while after graduating because daughters of successful parents need to live up to the standard and life their parents have created for them. It's like living in a glass box with everything you need right there, you never need to reach for anything, you never need to struggle for what you want or what you deserve. It's all handed to you on a silver platter by a pink ballerina with perfect skin, smile, and thighs.
I developed OCD before anorexia. Being able to keep things in a logical order made me less anxious and helped me stay calm because being able to keep something in logical order according to my specifications, even if my life in genreal wasn't, meant I was okay. I organized my books, clothing, shoes, paperwork, makeup, lotions, perfumes, everything possible to arrange. If something was slightly out of place it would drive me crazy until I fixed it.
When that wasn't enough for me, when I went to college and my mother was so in control of my life, I turned to controlling my weight. I never thought I was fat, I knew I was chubby and not 'thin' but I wasn't unhappy with my weight. I just wanted something I could have sole control of and that no one could sabotage. Every morning it ws a little battle won. Mother wanted a perfect daughter, well soon she would have a daughter with a perfect body and a sick mind. It was a little win for me every morning when the scale would show I lost 2 lbs, 4 lbs, 5 lbs in a day! I started to weigh the coming day by what the number on the scale was. I measure my successes and achievments by how low the scale can show and the number of ribs I can count.
Everything became clearer when I became anorexic. I could see what makes someone perfect and I worked hard to be that perfect someone. I would be perfection embodied to everyone who saw me and they would never know the rotting being inside, the craziness that drove me to starve myself everyday. It was small little wins and the need to be in control and be the best. I'm still fighting to be all those things, the best, in control, and perfect. And I love that I can make these decisions everyday for myself. The decision not to eat, to have ONLY half an apple, to accept and love my hunger pains. I love it all.

Oh, wow. I feel so much better and clearer. Wow.

who needs food when the body I want is right around the corner? Food is for the weak, and if I am anything, it is not weak.

Fastfastfast

Soooo, I haven't eaten in 2 days and I'm feeling fine. Once I get past day 3 I'm good for a long time, It's getting passed day 3 that sucks, but after it's so easy. I've been exercising a lot though and I just read about this fantastic exercise that helps to eliminate lovehandles/muffintops!! Fantastic! I'll post the link below.
i'm still not going to eat because I'm still so angry with myself but I'm not as angry as I was. I just want everything to work out, I want to crawl into my duvet cover and when I come out the world to be different, to fix itself while I'm hiding.


http://exercisetv.tv/workout-videos/body-sculpting/six-pack-ab-calorie-burn-7584

...lay waste to the world, and everything in it X

So, what do I do when I'm self-destructing and destroying everything I've touched? Promise myself not to eat until I'm done sufficiently hating myself. Wow, I'm insane and sick. Wowowowowowowow. I just want to sleep until these problems work themsleves out, if I try to fix anything it will just become worse. I don't fuck up often, being a perfectionist I live to be perfect, but when I do fuck up it's monumental and like a nuclear bomb exploding. No survivors or salvagable materials-- everything destoyed and obliterated. It's like I'm poison.