Monday, April 20, 2009

Skinny please?!?

Hi all, I'm Ashley. 20 years young :D I've lived with an ED/ana for 5 years. Before that I was always super conscious about what I was putting in my body, I always thought I was fat, and I would go days without eating just for something to be committed to/be in control of. Even when I weighed 92 lbs (13 y/o) I felt huge. I recently went through outpatient "recovery", aka "make you fat while collecting huge checks from caring and loving parents." I had to gain weight for my parents to allow me to stay in school, which is most important to me. I have so many goals outside of being thin that I could never leave school for inpatient care, so I went to the therapy session, I ate 3 meals a day, 2 snacks, loaded up with nutrients and life-sustaining fuel grease and fat, I gained "healthy" weight I got fat. And because I got fat, weighing a whopping 115 when "recovery" was complete, I ate myself to whale status. I binged when I was sad, when I was angry, when I hated myself so much I couldn't look in the mirror. And now I'm huge and I need it gone now. I weight 145.3 atm and I can't let this fat take over ever again. I'm not big on fasting because I worry about my metabolism stopping and not being able to keep it going and I have trouble exercising when I've been fasting for multiple days. I restrict mainly, on any given day I eat below 400 cals and, and 2 days a week I fast. I exercise 4-6 hours a day, I'm exercise compulsive and cannot help myself. Any time I'm not busy with something I'm on the treadmill, stepper, or elliptical.

It may sound stupid to be putting this all out there on the internet but I need this to be out in the open, I need others to read this and know because then it's like failure isn't an option, being weak will not suffice. I'd be so embarrassed to publiclly announce that I binged, that this will be one more thing to consider before shoving that sandwich down my throat.

Now that I'm done telling my life story, hehe, I'll be going now. An hour on the treadmill to burn the cals from the kiwi I ate for breakfast and then dinner with my family :( I'm dreading tonight, I know I have to eat with them and I know it will make me fat fatter. Why is everyone out to sabotage me!?! Anywho-- wish me luck!!

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong

1 comment:

  1. i admire you ashley :). i love ana too,and i hate it how parents sabotage my plans if im fasting, or cutting back on my cal intake, as dinner is a big meal :/ . but ive been able to stay strong, and ur blogs upon discovering them has helped me to stay strong too.

    thanks :)