Sunday, August 9, 2009

There's a reason for everything, especially mental illness

Ever feel like you need to write something down so it makes sense in your head? So it has a logical path and you can analyze what you write without getting confused or getting sidetracked? I need to do that right now to figure out why I'm anorexic.

It's not because I hate myself, I love myself and I think I am amazing in every aspect aside from my weight. I don't think I am ugly, or overweight. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't think I am not "worthy" of food, I just want to see the number smaller every morning.
I want something in my life I can control. I am incredibly dependent on my parents as they are quite wealthy and pay for my lifestyle (college, car, car insurance, apartment, food), and therefore I cannot make decisions about my life without running it by them. They are fearful of my carelessness and want to keep me close and safe. So many things I propose, like going to England for a semester or entering the peace corp. , is shot down and pushed under the neat and proper rug of classy society. I had to choose a career that would be worth while after graduating because daughters of successful parents need to live up to the standard and life their parents have created for them. It's like living in a glass box with everything you need right there, you never need to reach for anything, you never need to struggle for what you want or what you deserve. It's all handed to you on a silver platter by a pink ballerina with perfect skin, smile, and thighs.
I developed OCD before anorexia. Being able to keep things in a logical order made me less anxious and helped me stay calm because being able to keep something in logical order according to my specifications, even if my life in genreal wasn't, meant I was okay. I organized my books, clothing, shoes, paperwork, makeup, lotions, perfumes, everything possible to arrange. If something was slightly out of place it would drive me crazy until I fixed it.
When that wasn't enough for me, when I went to college and my mother was so in control of my life, I turned to controlling my weight. I never thought I was fat, I knew I was chubby and not 'thin' but I wasn't unhappy with my weight. I just wanted something I could have sole control of and that no one could sabotage. Every morning it ws a little battle won. Mother wanted a perfect daughter, well soon she would have a daughter with a perfect body and a sick mind. It was a little win for me every morning when the scale would show I lost 2 lbs, 4 lbs, 5 lbs in a day! I started to weigh the coming day by what the number on the scale was. I measure my successes and achievments by how low the scale can show and the number of ribs I can count.
Everything became clearer when I became anorexic. I could see what makes someone perfect and I worked hard to be that perfect someone. I would be perfection embodied to everyone who saw me and they would never know the rotting being inside, the craziness that drove me to starve myself everyday. It was small little wins and the need to be in control and be the best. I'm still fighting to be all those things, the best, in control, and perfect. And I love that I can make these decisions everyday for myself. The decision not to eat, to have ONLY half an apple, to accept and love my hunger pains. I love it all.

Oh, wow. I feel so much better and clearer. Wow.

1 comment:

  1. That's very clarifying. Curious. However... If the problem is that your parents control your life and you try to exert control through your weight, though that may make you feel better in the short run, I guess you very well know that it won't solve your problems in the end. Some day you'll have to gather the courage to take the reins of your life. It will mean you will be responsible for your acts, and it will also mean that many times you'll fail and others you'll succeed. It is scary when you've always been under your parents' wings, but once you do it you feel somewhat "What? Whas this I was scared about?"

    I think once you find the courage, in the end all the discipline and effort you're getting from anorexia will serve you later in life.

    Please have a look at this. I think you might find these very interesting:

    I think those two may be of interests to you. I am not going to judge your actions: you seem to be pretty level-headed, and you are guided by your emotions. You are intelligent enough to know that your way of exerting control of your life may be useful now, in a way, but it can't be maintained in the long term. So I recommend you to have those links in mind when you think yourself ready to move ahead.

    Best wishes.