GW3 REACHED!!! very nice. I'm happy about it, i wish I actually looked thinner but that's not the case. Unfortunately. I have like 20 more lbs to lose... FUCK. Getting there though..
I realized, being home for thanksgiving break, that being home is a trigger for me. Being in this house with my disapproving mother with her disappointed gaze, the walls whispering all my faults and the mistakes from my whole life oozing up through the floorboards is hell on my mental state. Being here just reminds me how I never will or have been good enough at anything in my life. I'm only good at starving myself, it's the only thing I see my successes in.

I am thankful for...

.. my amazing SELF CONTROL!! Also, my family (they are amazing!!), my boyfriend who I love, my friends who try their best to keep me sane, and my brothers :D

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
I hate this holiday, tons of obese people celebrate family and friends by engorging their bodies with carbs, fat, and sugars. Nothing says "thanks for being in my life" better than feeding them artery clogging fat!! It's gross. Anyway, I knew this meal was coming and there would be no way around it with my family, so I did NOT eat dinner last night and didn't eat anything today until 5:30 when dinner was served. I took tiny portions of everything and did not get up for seconds. I only drank water and when it came to dessert I had a tiny tiny brownie bite. I would have skipped dessert all together but my mother made brownies special for me because the old, healthy me loved brownies. I couldn't tell her fuck no i cannot eat that brownie without wanting to light my insides on fire in 20 minutes, so I ate a little bit and put the rest in my napkin. Despite my valiant efforts to be a good little girl today, I purged while everyone was talking about stocks. No one even noticed I had left the table for 20 minutes... A testament to how invisible I am.
Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
"It celebrates the time when the Indian's shared their food with the early settlers. And how do we repay them? We slaughter them in thousands and then ship them off to the shittiest bits of real estate."--Lucy, Across the Universe

Yesterday was a semi-success, semi-failure. I did eat but i walked enough during that day that my pedometer read 560 cals so I burned more than I ate definitely. All I had was an apple and a small salad with 3 cherry tomatoes and no dressing. I feel tired and drained and I've only been up for an hour. I wish I could sleep for a long time, which I may be able to do!! Thanksgiving break starts for uni today so I'm free till Sunday:D

blah diddy blah blah

It's been a while since I've been on...
I told my boyfriend about being sick and he was really very supportive but he was worried about me. And then I caught him like really upset about it one night while i spent literally an hour and a half eating two scrambled egg whites. He asked me to go to a doctor and try to get better because he loves me and doesn't really want to love someone who doesn't love herself. So i tried... kinda. I made 10 different appointments with therapists over the course of a month and canceled them all. Now I'm giving up being good, I want to be amazing and the only way to do that is to be thin thin thin. I haven't gained, I've lost some but at a very slow slow rate. I love him but I can't help who I am... I don't want to get better.
Anyway, I've been awake for a few hours and I've had my traditional breakfast of 2 cups black coffee, 1 cup tea, and 2 cups water. All the caffeine and water is good for my but it makes my stomach huge for a while. It's better in the end because it keeps me full for almost the whole day :D

I'll update more later<3

Fasting today. I had a major binge last night and I'm still full. I can feel the food in my stomach and it's making me sick. I feel disgusting and tainted. Ugh, I never want to eat again.

So fucking tired of being fat. I hate this body and I hate my weakness. I want to disappear into thin air.

fatty mcfatty pants?

I have fat arms and wrists.
Boo for being a whale.

grr

hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry
hungryhungryhungryhungryhungryhungry

whatever it takes

Food Diary:
b-0
l-0
d-0

Exercise Log:
m-0
a-0
n-0

Wow, I'm a loser. I may not have eaten but I did not exercise either. I'm being lazy, I know. There are some hours left in tonight, maybe I'll nip downstairs and run for the rest of my life. haha. I wish. I'm tired, crabby, and feeling a little sick. I want to sleep for years and when I wake up, everything would be the same and that nothing happened while I was gone. Like sleeping Beauty- The whole world sleeps while I sleep and everything gets covered in sparkle dust to make everything surreal and pretty.

There's a reason for everything, especially mental illness

Ever feel like you need to write something down so it makes sense in your head? So it has a logical path and you can analyze what you write without getting confused or getting sidetracked? I need to do that right now to figure out why I'm anorexic.

It's not because I hate myself, I love myself and I think I am amazing in every aspect aside from my weight. I don't think I am ugly, or overweight. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't think I am not "worthy" of food, I just want to see the number smaller every morning.
I want something in my life I can control. I am incredibly dependent on my parents as they are quite wealthy and pay for my lifestyle (college, car, car insurance, apartment, food), and therefore I cannot make decisions about my life without running it by them. They are fearful of my carelessness and want to keep me close and safe. So many things I propose, like going to England for a semester or entering the peace corp. , is shot down and pushed under the neat and proper rug of classy society. I had to choose a career that would be worth while after graduating because daughters of successful parents need to live up to the standard and life their parents have created for them. It's like living in a glass box with everything you need right there, you never need to reach for anything, you never need to struggle for what you want or what you deserve. It's all handed to you on a silver platter by a pink ballerina with perfect skin, smile, and thighs.
I developed OCD before anorexia. Being able to keep things in a logical order made me less anxious and helped me stay calm because being able to keep something in logical order according to my specifications, even if my life in genreal wasn't, meant I was okay. I organized my books, clothing, shoes, paperwork, makeup, lotions, perfumes, everything possible to arrange. If something was slightly out of place it would drive me crazy until I fixed it.
When that wasn't enough for me, when I went to college and my mother was so in control of my life, I turned to controlling my weight. I never thought I was fat, I knew I was chubby and not 'thin' but I wasn't unhappy with my weight. I just wanted something I could have sole control of and that no one could sabotage. Every morning it ws a little battle won. Mother wanted a perfect daughter, well soon she would have a daughter with a perfect body and a sick mind. It was a little win for me every morning when the scale would show I lost 2 lbs, 4 lbs, 5 lbs in a day! I started to weigh the coming day by what the number on the scale was. I measure my successes and achievments by how low the scale can show and the number of ribs I can count.
Everything became clearer when I became anorexic. I could see what makes someone perfect and I worked hard to be that perfect someone. I would be perfection embodied to everyone who saw me and they would never know the rotting being inside, the craziness that drove me to starve myself everyday. It was small little wins and the need to be in control and be the best. I'm still fighting to be all those things, the best, in control, and perfect. And I love that I can make these decisions everyday for myself. The decision not to eat, to have ONLY half an apple, to accept and love my hunger pains. I love it all.

Oh, wow. I feel so much better and clearer. Wow.

who needs food when the body I want is right around the corner? Food is for the weak, and if I am anything, it is not weak.

Fastfastfast

Soooo, I haven't eaten in 2 days and I'm feeling fine. Once I get past day 3 I'm good for a long time, It's getting passed day 3 that sucks, but after it's so easy. I've been exercising a lot though and I just read about this fantastic exercise that helps to eliminate lovehandles/muffintops!! Fantastic! I'll post the link below.
i'm still not going to eat because I'm still so angry with myself but I'm not as angry as I was. I just want everything to work out, I want to crawl into my duvet cover and when I come out the world to be different, to fix itself while I'm hiding.


http://exercisetv.tv/workout-videos/body-sculpting/six-pack-ab-calorie-burn-7584

...lay waste to the world, and everything in it X

So, what do I do when I'm self-destructing and destroying everything I've touched? Promise myself not to eat until I'm done sufficiently hating myself. Wow, I'm insane and sick. Wowowowowowowow. I just want to sleep until these problems work themsleves out, if I try to fix anything it will just become worse. I don't fuck up often, being a perfectionist I live to be perfect, but when I do fuck up it's monumental and like a nuclear bomb exploding. No survivors or salvagable materials-- everything destoyed and obliterated. It's like I'm poison.

Food Diary:
b- coffee (0)
l- 0
d- 1 egg (63) + 2 egg whites (24) + .5 tsp horseradish (1) + hot sauce (0)= 88

88

Exercise Log:
m-0
a-0
n- update later

0
=
88

I'm far too exhausted to work out today. I couldn't sleep last night and have been just lazying around all day. I decided that since yesterday I dropped 3.5 lbs from just eating below 100 cals for dinner that I should stick to this and see how well it turns out. I'm probably going to do some running later tonight since I now have energy from dinner.
I also calculated my BMR today. It's interesting to see how much your body will burn just from living and breathing. I burn 1,477.5 calories a day just lying in bed. Then you add all the moving around I do all day and that adds a ton more! I lost my first pedometer and I'm going to have to get another one. I saw one on TV. It's made by Philips Electronics and it doesn't only calculate steps, it measures other activities you do-- therefore the more active you are, even if not walking, it will record and measure calories. Fantastic! I just cannot remember the name of the specific device. I need to go run some, later!!

XOX
PEACE.LOVE.STAYSTRONG
<3>

Wow

wow! I lost 3.5 lbs yesterday and I was so sure I wouldn't lose anything! I was feeling shit for not exercising last night like I planned and dreading getting on the scale this morning. It was a great feeling and it's propelled me to eat less than 100 cals again today :D Wow.

<3

Food Diary:
b- coffee(o)
l- 0
d-1 egg (63)+ 1 egg white (12) + hot sauce (0)+ 4 oz. crystal light (3.5)+ 1.5 slice tomato (4)= 82.5

82.5

Exercise Log:
m-300
a-200
n- 0

500
=
-417.5

Wow. Today was a long dayyyy. I've been up all night organizing and reorganizing my room. I was too hungry to sleep and had to stay preoccupied from eating the entire contents of my refrigerator. Now my room looks so pretty and clean. I was so strong today, I only ate dinner and a very small one at that. my mom looked at my plate and was like "... is that really all you're going to eat?" haha, if only she knew that most days I don't anything =P I'm better at hiding it now, since I was caught last year. Anywho, i definately have to work out a ton tonight to get rid of those cals from dinner.

XOX
PEACE.LOVE.STAYSTRONG
<3>

HAHAHA something to finally laugh at :D

Anorexia. What are the pros and cons?

One pro is that since you're wearing extra layers of clothing to hide your alarming thinness from relatives, you'll rarely catch a chill and come down with a cold. You dress warmly, even in summer.

That's a pro.

A con is that you're hot from overdressing. So you sweat a lot. This is good for the deodorant industry, a pro for them.

Even though you make the decision not to eat, your body keeps eating anyway. Your body says, "okay moron, I'll just ignore you. I'll eat into your fat reserves (what little there is), at first, and after that's used up, start devouring your vital fluids."

Thus, your body cannibalizes itself.

If you carry this extreme behavior far enough for long enough.you die. That's a con, unless you have a death wish.

A pro is that since you're not eating, there is more food for those who do eat available in the supermarket.

Another pro is that since you don't waste time eating, you have more time to learn a foreign language, French for example.

A con is that many French people are already noted for their rudeness (watch the reaction you get by asking street directions in Paris in crude French with a Texas accent).

Adding more short-tempered people who are hungry and speaking French can only hurt. A con.

Except for Nero, Henry the Eighth, and Dick Cheney, most of the nasty tyrants down through history have invariably been thin. A con.

If you get thin enough, people can't tell if they're viewing you from the front, or the side. This can be a pro if you're trying to avoid somebody (they think you're coming towards them, when actually you're moving away).

Another pro is that when you get in the shower, there's less of you to soap, so the bar lasts longer. There are economic advantages beyond just saving money from not buying carrots.

A con is that the rise of eating disorders has produced feelings of superiority over and disdain for fat people. Americans already hate each other over politics, race, religion and class. Adding calories as an arrogant badge of honor makes us even more dysfunctional.

Of course, a pro is that hateful, prejudicial behavior, like someone saying, "you fat pig!"

This might result in someone who's obese getting mad and losing weight as an act of revenge.

Obesity is epidemic in America.

Americans are only interested in how they look, not what they think or believe. The dumbing down of America by posing and self-obsession is a con. But then again, if you're a vain narcissist who fixates only about how you look, you are hip with the times.

That's a pro.

You know the old saying, "don't be a square."

Now it's, "don't be round."

That's a pro if you're thin, a con if you're fat.

-----------------------------------------<3------------------------------

Q:How many pro-anas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: 100.

1 to actually screw it in.

10 to say "OMG, I wish I had your willpower! I've been sitting in the dark for the past month!"

20 to to claim that they were "Screwing in my lightbulb last year, but then my parents stopped me when it was almost in and made me unscrew it... now it's completely dark in here! I need motivation to start screwing it in again!"

15 to take pictures from bizarre angles that make it look like they're screwing in their lightbulbs.

14 to post pictures of Nicole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen in close proximity to light bulbs.

10 to argue over whether or not screwing in a lightbulb is a choice or the result of a psychological problem.

10 to claim that their lightbulbs are completely screwed in, even though they're sitting in a dark room with an unscrewed bulb sitting next to them.

11 to say that they had their lightbulb partially screwed in last week,but spent the weekend unscrewing it because they lost their will power.

2 to write poems about the goddess lightbulb that guides them on their quest for light. and...

7 to come along randomly and ask how they can become light bulb screwers too.

----------------------------<3---------------------------------

These are possibly the funniest things I've ever read. haha.

think thin think thin think thin think thin

Wow. I've been MIA for a little while. But during my absence I've been so strong! Not one piece of food has passed my lips :D so great! I'm exhausted though and all this coffee on such an empty stomach is making me jittery. I can't stop figeting, which is a good thing since it burns more cals. I've also been doing the salt-water flushes almost daily for the past week. I know there's nothing really in me to be flushing but it's good to clean out your system of built up matter. I feel so light and free right now. I'm still fat and gross but knowing there's nothing in me and that I've flushed all that build up from my body makes me feel clean and pure. It's nice.
This week I've learned how to play guitar and I've continued with my knitting. 1 hour of knitting burns 34 calories! Who knew?! Anyway, I'm going to knit and read all day. I think tomorrow I'll break this fast since, I feel like my metabolism is slowing. I'm going to do 4 hours of running tonight, kinda like crossing the finish line of this fast, going out victorious, before starting to eat again.

XOX PEACE, LOVE, AND STAY STRONG

When the world falls apart at mhy feet, I refuse to eat.

While ana is doing great and I've maintained my weight while on vacation, I think my entire life is about to fall apart at my feet. Just knowing this is a possibility is frightening because the only way to maintain control is to control my eating, and at the rate I've been going, more control for me would be stopping eating entirely. I'm terrified of what I'm capable of doing to myself and I feel it's slightly inevitable. I hate that I can't fix everything the way I can fix and control my weight. I don't know what to do or what to think. Tomorrow I'm starting a fast with no predetermined end, whenever I cannot continue any longer I'll break the fast. I hate myself for not being able to fix the world and arrange it perfectly. I hate muself for being weak and useless.

"I didn't eat for three days, so I could be lovely."

Food Diary:
b- coffee (0) + 16 grapes (24)
l- update later
d- update later

24

Exercise Log:
m- 0
a- update later
n- update later

0

I'm newly addicted to the show Skins and the character Cassie. She's amazingly crazy and thin. She reminds me of myself in a more concentrated form. She acts as crazy as I feel. And she's gorgeous and has amazing style. She's a new thinspo for me = )

June 29, 2009

Food Diary:
b-blueberry muffin (610) + coffee (0)= 610
l- 0
d- 3 strawberries (17) + veggie burger (120)= 137

747

Exercise Log:

m-0

a- 0

n-900

900

=

-153

Wow. today was a disappointment. That fucking muffin did me in and killed me. Thanks to the maker if delicious baked goods I am fatter than I was this morning. I hate myself, I am so weak.

Exhaustion

I've never been so continuously tired in my life. No matter how much I sleep it's not enough to keep me awake and energized the next day. I get 8-9 hours every night because any less and you're appetite will increase 15%! I don't need anything making me hungrier than I am everyday as it is. I think part of the problem is the little calorie intake vs. the high outtake from my obsessive exercise, and recently I've been having extremely physically demanding days. I went hiking (EXTREME hiking) with my boyfriend, I spent about 7 hours at the zoo today pushing a baby carriage and endlessly walking, and I had to keep my body nourished so I wouldn't get dizzy and pass out = ( I think i just need to relax for a day or two to regain my strength.

I can't record what I ate today because it is madly depressing and I don't know what the caloric intake was anyway, so just listing the foods without serving sizes or cals is pointless. It was all healthy, basically negative foods, but there was a lot of it so I can't bear to think about it = (
So disappointed in myself.

XOX Peace, Love and Stay Strong

binge =X

Food Diary:
b-coffee (0)+ 4 oz crystal light (2.5)+ cheese bagel (360) + 2 tbsp fat free cream cheese (28)= 390.5
l- nothing
d- cheese bagel (360) + 2 tbsp fat free cream cheese (28) = 388
snack- 2 thin mint cookies (70) + popcorn (210)= 280

1058.5

Exercise Log:
m- 852
a-669
n- 253

1774
=
-715.5

I cannot believe I ate so much today! I'm so disappointed in myself and i feel like crap. My stomach is killing me and I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm going to keep my cal count below 400 tomorrow since I have to spend it with my family, otherwise I would be fasting and exercising all day to work off today's failure. UGH! I hate myself for being so weak. I think I'll have to start smoking again just to have something to do when I'm feeling a craving or feeling like I'm going to eat to deal with stress or emotions. I'll sacrifice my lungs for thinness. I'm already sacrificing everything else...

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong

blahblahblah

Food Diary:
b- coffee (0) + yogurt (100)
l- 2 coffees (0) + 1/2 cup grapefruit (60)
d- salad (19) + coffee (0)

179

Exercise Log:
M- 0
A- 3,600
N- 250

3,850
=
-3,671 Cals

Good day today, I'm down 3 lbs!! I will be sore as hell tomorrow. I went hiking today and burned about 3,600!! Kick assssss <3 ugh, so tired. I'm passing the fuck outttttttt.

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong

<3

Food Diary:
b- coffee (0)
l- nothing
d-kiwi (46) + 1/2 cup grapefruit (60)= 106

106

Exercise Log:
m- 270
a- 100
n- 700

1070
=
-964 cals

Not too bad for the whole day. I wish I had more time to exercise today but I was busy getting pierced with my sister. We got our belly buttons done, and I got an industrial also :P Getting my belly pierced was a good idea, because it's motivation to get tiny tiny so I feel comfortable showing people it. Same with my side/rib tattoo, I have to lift my shirt to show people and I'll only feel comfortable doing that if I'm tiny. Overall a good day, I'm starving though and I think I'll do a salt water flush tonight... Clean out my system and be light as air tomorrow :D
Sleep well lovelies!!

XOX Peace, Love and Stay Strong

Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

Ugh, it's only 2 pm and I think today is a complete failure. I ate breakfast :( And now I'm going to work out literally all day while working on my online summer class. I can't believe I'm this weak!!

To Do list:
x workout all day
x summer class
x unpack from college (haha 2 months after leaving college)
x laundry
x DON'T eat
x organize closet

Such a failure= ( I ate a bowl of special K for breakfast, with skim milk but still. I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day and I worked out all day but i didn't record cals. And I got most of everything on my to-do list completed. I'm miserable so I'm off for the night.

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong

Back from a mini Hiatus

So, last time I was on here was my first time on here. After I wrote that my computer broke and I didn't want to be working on my parents or sisters computer for privacy reasons. I didn't want to risk anything, But I'm back now with a banging new computer and not much progress from my previous entry :( I had lost 27.5 lbs, but then school got stressful and I was rushing an sorority and I lost control :X Now I'm reaping the consequences of losing it for one minute. I'm back to 145.5 and I cannot believe I'm this weak. I'm going to go run for a year and a half then go out to eat for father's day. It's a terrible cycle. When I get back from dinner I'll run some more.

Food Diary:
b- kiwi (46) + coffee/black (0) + 4 oz. crystal light (2.5)= 48.5
l- nothing
d-wedge salad (no dressing) (80)+ 2 french fries (13) + water w/ lemon= 93
snack :( - popcorn (210!!)

351.5

Exercise Log:
morning- 850
afternoon-260
night-400

1510

=

-1158.5 cals

overall, today wasn't too bad. Dinner with my family was stressful and i was soooooo full after I thought I would be sick. But i didn't unfortunately :( Now I feel really heavy and thick, gross. I ran for 20 minutes tonight but I may still run some more once I catch my breath :P I have trouble sleeping so anything to keep burning off more cals will be great, I'll just keep moving until I'm so exhausted I pass out! Goodnight!!

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong

Skinny please?!?

Hi all, I'm Ashley. 20 years young :D I've lived with an ED/ana for 5 years. Before that I was always super conscious about what I was putting in my body, I always thought I was fat, and I would go days without eating just for something to be committed to/be in control of. Even when I weighed 92 lbs (13 y/o) I felt huge. I recently went through outpatient "recovery", aka "make you fat while collecting huge checks from caring and loving parents." I had to gain weight for my parents to allow me to stay in school, which is most important to me. I have so many goals outside of being thin that I could never leave school for inpatient care, so I went to the therapy session, I ate 3 meals a day, 2 snacks, loaded up with nutrients and life-sustaining fuel grease and fat, I gained "healthy" weight I got fat. And because I got fat, weighing a whopping 115 when "recovery" was complete, I ate myself to whale status. I binged when I was sad, when I was angry, when I hated myself so much I couldn't look in the mirror. And now I'm huge and I need it gone now. I weight 145.3 atm and I can't let this fat take over ever again. I'm not big on fasting because I worry about my metabolism stopping and not being able to keep it going and I have trouble exercising when I've been fasting for multiple days. I restrict mainly, on any given day I eat below 400 cals and, and 2 days a week I fast. I exercise 4-6 hours a day, I'm exercise compulsive and cannot help myself. Any time I'm not busy with something I'm on the treadmill, stepper, or elliptical.

It may sound stupid to be putting this all out there on the internet but I need this to be out in the open, I need others to read this and know because then it's like failure isn't an option, being weak will not suffice. I'd be so embarrassed to publiclly announce that I binged, that this will be one more thing to consider before shoving that sandwich down my throat.

Now that I'm done telling my life story, hehe, I'll be going now. An hour on the treadmill to burn the cals from the kiwi I ate for breakfast and then dinner with my family :( I'm dreading tonight, I know I have to eat with them and I know it will make me fat fatter. Why is everyone out to sabotage me!?! Anywho-- wish me luck!!

XOX Peace, Love, and Stay Strong